


Phil's right to be sad.

by Septic84



Series: Ghost version of myself [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Best Friends, Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-13 04:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19593133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septic84/pseuds/Septic84
Summary: Phil feels the need to withhold his true feelings from Dan to protect him.Dan wants none of that.





	Phil's right to be sad.

“I can't be depressed, that's Dan's thing.” I overheard Phil say one day to who I can only assume was his mum. It hurt me, deeply, but not for the reason you would think. When Phil says these types of things, I know it's never malicious, it is just a statement. The reason it hurts me is my mental health issues overshadow everything else. I wish Phil didn't feel that way, but I knew that was who he was. Kind, self-sacrificing, compassionate to his own detriment. I have noticed that Phil has been more irritable as of late, he isn't sleeping properly and is mentally foggy. I know these signs. I feel awful that Phil can't say what he means, or what he wants to me. He constantly is censoring himself due to the foreshadowing of the effect on me. He doesn't ever think of his own well-being. I feel guilty because of this and it has caused a crisis or two.

He is my best friend, trying to protect me. I wish he knew how I yearned for him to speak earnestly with me about these things. I know the reason he doesn't; he has convinced himself that my issues are worse and that by him saying anything even close to implying he was depressed, it would be almost as if it is an insult to my suffering. This, of course, was ridiculous to me. in reality, I think it would help me understand him more and maybe even myself if he shared these feelings when he had them. I often wonder if he is more quiet about it as everyone has coined Phil as a "ray of sunshine," which he typically is. Perhaps he is afraid of letting people down.

“No mum, I am fine. I just am tired.” I walked into the room nodding at Phil who gave me a weak smile. “I will, thanks. Bye.”

“Hey, Phil.”

“Hi.” He yawned and set his phone down. “Do you feel good enough to record some gaming videos?”

I cocked my eyebrow at him. “Do you?”

“What? Yeah. I'm fine.”

“Clearly.”

He scowled “What?”

“Phil,”

“Dan,”

I shook my head. “Be honest with me,” I sat next to him. “You look like you haven't slept properly in days.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I have been having issues, but I am fine. Nothing another cup of coffee won't fix.”

“Really, Phil?”

“Yes, really, Dan.” He was clearly getting annoyed.

“Go take a nap, Phil. After we can decide about filming, yeah?”

“No nap.”

“What are you, 5?”

“Shut up.” He snapped. “What are you, my mum?”

I tried not to smirk. “Want to or not, you need one, mate.” I stood up “You are really grouchy.”

“Well excuse me, Mr. Positive. Don't let my mood ruin your bleeding life.” Phil threw his hands up in the air and sighed. He stood up and looked at me as if he were going to say something else, instead he walked away, shaking his head and went to his room. I didn't know if he would sleep or not, but maybe he would rest.

I decided to cook because I wasn't sure what else I could do for him. I knew that he didn't want to open up to me, so I figured the next best thing was comfort food. Halfway through I heard Phil come into the kitchen. His hair was a mess so I knew he had at least laid down for a while.

“Less grumpy?” I asked hesitantly.

“Um, yeah. Sorry.”

I waved him off. “I am making dinner.”

“I see that it smells wonderful.”

“It should, it's your favorite.”

“You didn't need to do that Dan.” He said softly.

“Nope. Still did.”

“Well, then I am lucky. I was a jerk earlier.”

I didn't respond, I continued to cook in the tense atmosphere of the kitchen as Phil watched me. He seemed so heavy, it was almost palpable. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know how to be on this end of it. So many times I had put Phil through this and suddenly I was very aware of how difficult it must have been. Years and years of me refusing to tell him that I was struggling and him just watching me suffer. Did he feel like I felt now? Helpless, frustrated, fed up? I was too lost in my own head to notice Phil had left the kitchen until I went to ask him about dinner. Where had he gone? Turning off the stove I walked out into the lounge to find him, tears forming behind his eyes. I sighed.

“I know you're not okay, you know?” I sat next to him. “You don't have to talk about it, but I am here.”

“I'm still tired.” He choked out.

“Phil, please.”

He quickly blinked back the tears. “Please what?” he said, hoarsely.

“What do you need? Is there something I can do to make you feel better?”

“What do you mean?”

“Jesus, Phil. Do you think I don't notice how upset you are? How exhausted?”

“I'm not-”

“Don't, Phil. You don't have to talk about it, but please don't lie to me.”

“It's not like you were always honest with me, Dan.”

“I know that,” I said softly. “Look where it led.”

He shook his head, “Fine, I'm sad.”

“Do you know why?” I remember when I started to open up to people about how I was feeling, a lot of the time they would ask why without even ascertaining the thought that I may not know.

He shrugged. “More than one reason.” He started to twist his hands together. “And no reasons at all. I don't know.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

He looked at me, his cheeks flushed and the sclera of his eyes was bloodshot. It was clear he was desperately trying not to cry.“You don't need to deal with my shit, Dan.”

“I think I should get to make that decision, don't you? Let me take care of you as you do for me. It's okay.”

“I just want to be alone right now. Let me know when it's time to eat.” He stood stiffly and walked back into his room.

I clenched my teeth. Was I this frustrating? Had I been making Phil feel like this for years? I stood up and went back to the kitchen to finish dinner. He had asked to be alone, but I wanted nothing more than to force myself into his room and hug him. I wondered how many times he had thought the same thing when I was holed up in my room. How many times his heart hurt like this, just wanting to make me feel better?

When dinner was done, I knocked on his door after setting the table. “Dinner,” I said softly, returning to the kitchen. It took about five minutes, but when he came to the table I knew he had been crying.

“What would you like to drink?” I asked.

“I don't care.” I had to restrain myself from rolling my eyes. I sat down and started to eat one of the most uncomfortable meals we had ever eaten together. He said nothing, he didn't look at me, and he just picked at his plate.

“You don't have to eat it,” I said after I had watched him push the same forkful around his plate 5 times. “It's okay.” I made sure my tone was as even and unassuming as possible.

“I'm sorry, Dan.” He rubbed his face with his palms. “I don't know what's wrong with me.”

“That's okay, though,” I encouraged. “Sometimes it's hard to sift through all the feelings and thoughts, yeah?”

He looked up at me, “I know it so much worse for you. I shouldn't complain.”

“What are you on about?” I was confused.

“Here I am, filled with self-pity and you, you have actual depression. I suppose I seem like an insensitive jerk.”

“Phil, are you insinuating that because I have depression that you can't be depressed?”

“Well, not exactly.”

“You know how ridiculous that is, right?”

“I don't have a diagnosed illness, Dan.”

“It doesn't matter, Phil. You still can be sad, or upset or whatever you're feeling.”

“I guess.”

“No “I guess” about it. You are too considerate of others for your own good.” I shook my head and said gently, “You have a right to be sad, Phil.”

“Thanks.” He didn't sound like he believed me.

“Why don't I make you a cup of hot chocolate and we can sit in the lounge and maybe watch something?”

He nodded resolutely and got up. I put away the food and made the drinks, retreating to my room briefly to retrieve the bag of marshmallows I had hidden from him. They were intended for a baking video, but it didn't matter. He needed them now.

“Here,”

A smile cracked his lips. “You hid these really well, I had no idea.”

“Oh, I know Phily. Enjoy them, friendo.”

“Can we just, like, maybe sit here? Not watch anything? Is that stupid?

“Is that what you want to do?”

“Yeah,”

“It's not stupid,” I assured. So that's what we did, sat together sipping our drinks, being still and peaceful together. I understood this. Sometimes I didn't want any stimulation, but I didn't want to be alone, either. We sat for at least a half of an hour before Phil said.

“I don't want to trigger you.”

“How do you mean?”

“You have been feeling better lately. I would hate to ruin that for you.”

“Phil,” I patted his leg. “You know as well as I do, anything or nothing at all can trigger me, that isn't even the point I'm trying to make. It doesn't matter. It isn't important how this affects me right now.”

“It is, though.”

I felt my chest constrict with emotion. “You are my best friend. You are supposed to talk to me when you need too. I am okay right now, Phil. I am in a good place. Please talk to me.”

“Lately I just am so tired, so sad. I feel like my life is at a low point and I don't even know why.”

I nodded.

“So I feel like maybe I am depressed, but I don't know how I could be. Or maybe I am just sad for now. But I can't tell why. If I think really hard, I can come up with some things, but none of them seems enough to feel this, “ He stopped, “Whatever this is.”

“Lack of sleep can do that, too.”

“Yeah,”

“Too much idle time does too, for me anyway.” I took a deep breath. “Do you think you should see someone?”

He crinkled his nose. “No,”

“Phil,”

He held his hands up, “This isn't a pride thing, Dan. I really don't think I need a doctor.”

I nodded, “Okay.”

“I am just really confused.”

“That's okay. You don't need to try and figure it out now, or ever if you don't want. What do you need from me? What can I do for you?”

He smiled sadly, “Just this, here, right now.”

I nodded. “Don't ever sit alone with your demons because you are afraid to let them play with mine. I have mine on a leash now, I can deal with yours, okay?”

“I still, worry,”

“I know. That's okay. Let me worry about me for now, yeah? You worry about you.”

“You know I love you, right?”

“Of course.” I smiled at him widely

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

And that's how we spent the evening, only occasionally talking, slow and peaceful. I knew he still was concerned about me, but I guess that was out of my control. For now, I would just take care of Phil to ensure he knew he had the right to be sad.

**Author's Note:**

> Say Hello on Tumblr, if you'd like:  
> septic84


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